The Time I Broke Up with “RTW” (and just told you my route instead)

RTW, I think you and I need to talk. (Yes, I want to have “the” talk.)

I don’t know about you RTW, but I’ve been doing  a lot of thinking lately. You know…about you and me.

I guess there just comes a time when I have to be honest. You know,with myself…and with you. And I guess what I’m trying to tell you RTW, is that I just don’t really see a future together.

I mean really, if you think about it, where is this even going? I mean, what do you even want from this, RTW? Surely I can assume you don’t care much for monogamy (or even making this exclusive) RTW. Because if you did, you certainly wouldn’t be gallivanting around with loads of other backpackers.

And that kind of hurts, RTW. Like real bad.

I know you’ve probably already moved on to someone else (actually, judging from the amount of hits you get on Google, I can kind of confirm this).

But before I can healthily get over you, there’s some things I need to get off my chest. ( I told you I wanted to have the talk…)

For starters, RTW, you’re a wee bit misleading.

When most people talk about you, RTW, they’re talking about “Round The World” or more explicitly, “traveling around the world.” But apparently the extra syllable of “a” in “around” is waaaaay too much effort. So then you get shortened to “round the world.” But because “round the world” could also refer to an earth-shaped merry-go-round (and god forbid there’s any misleading information on that one), you are shortened even further to “RTW.” (But seriously, an earth-shaped merry-go-round. Talk about a goldmine.)


So I guess what I’m trying to get at RTW, is that I feel like you’re not really who you say you are. Maybe you are on one of those paths to self-discovery. But I know for me, I can’t really be involved with someone that is still figuring out the initials of their name.(And that’s why I would never date you, Samuel L. Jackson. Or even YOU, Ice-T.)

But wait, there’s more.

I’m concerned with your shape, RTW. No I’m not calling you fat (although you did look a little more plump that one summer we briefly dated in Germany…). But I just don’t understand what people mean when they talk about the roundness of you. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that generally mean a circle?

So I’m a bit confused, RTW. Does that mean you don’t have an explicit start and finish? Does that mean that I would never be able to veer off this perfect cylinder shape that has been drawn on an imaginary globe? What if I wanted a triangle, instead? Or better yet, a septagon?

I’ve had enough, RTW. I’m done. There’s nothing left for me to give.

So this is it, RTW. This is the end for you and me. No more long nights spent trying to figure out a route that was true to your name. No more comparing the way that you and me do it to the way everyone else does it. No more “we.”

But in case you’re wondering, RTW, I’ll get over this. In fact, I’ve already met someone. Someone else.

I’ve started seeing a new route (and no, it’s not just a “rebound route”…).

And I can already tell things are going to be different. They aren’t concerned with starts or finishes. They don’t have misleading initials. They are even okay with a little backtracking (which if you recall, you were TOTALLY against.)

I know this is probably not the right thing to do, but because I’m so gah damn excited about this new relationship, I want to gush about it to everyone….including you, my ex-route.

(This is the part in the post where I tell you where I’m going. But because I have an issue with using photos other than my own, screen shots from notable movies filmed in said locations will just have to keep you visually entertained.)

South Korea to Thailand

I guess most of this movie was filmed in the Phillipines. Whatever.

Thailand to India

Three prerequisites for a good film: a ‘stache, a nose, blood.

India to Italy

This film made Halloween annoyingly easy. And no, I don’t have a thing for Wes Anderson. But I DO have a thing for Jacques Cousteau.

Italy to France

I’m in a parasocial relationship with Adam Goldberg. AND Julie Delphy’s glasses.

I understand that things get a little choppy route-wise here. But flights to Paris just seems like the right thing to do at this point. And you know, I’m ALL about doing the right thing. 

Paris to Malaysia to Singapore to Indonesia

I want to say that The Endless Summer was some sort of quintessential something. But I worry that I will sound like an elitist…instead of sounding like someone that uses way too many run-on sentences and commas…just to complete one thought.

Paris to Malaysia to Singapore to Indonesia to ??

Now don’t go rolling your eyes at me, RTW. I don’t need to have an end just yet. My new route knows this. And is totally accepting of my indecisive tendencies.

Anyways, RTW, this new route doesn’t have an acronym, or gets it’s name on plane tickets, or even has any hits on a google search.

But none of that matters. Things are just so fantastic between me and my new route.

In fact, I think this route may even be “the one. “


Toothbrush Disclosure: This post has been brought to you by But telling you that I chose a route based on screen shots from some of my favourite movies? Ya, that was all me. 

Starting from the End

Okay, I’m just going to say it.

Those Von Trapp kiddies had it alllll wrong when they sang about the start being “a very good place to start.” And for the sake of staying focused, I’m not even going to talk about how they think “fa” is a long long way to run (for the record, 25 kilometres is long long way to run you silly Austrian army brats).

In fact, I think the start is an AWFUL place to start. It makes no sense, really.

Instead, I propose that the end is actually the perfect place to start. Just start from the end. Quit making shit so hard for yourself.

In the most idealistic way, the end should be the new starting line. You can work your way backwards, you can jump to middle, you can even change the start (more on that some other time) but for the love of Charlie Sheen, just please don’t start at the start.

Sound reasoning, right?      Word.




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